Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Sounders make marriage work

If the Sounders can’t go 3-0-3, do they even deserve to stay married?

My blog begins with two big pieces of news: I just got married and the Sounders have about a 55 percent chance of making the playoffs, which, coincidentally, is just about the same as my odds of staying married (60 percent).

Now, there's been a lot of talk on the blogs about which other teams to root for in order to increase the Sounders playoff chances. (See the posts here and here and here).

This talk of odds (while kind of addicting) misses the point. With six games left, it's way too early to be rooting for results in games where the Sounders aren't playing. It's like me rooting for a sunny day because it puts my wife in a better mood -- if our marriage depends on the weather, then I've got bigger problems.

The truth is, the Sounders and I are both firmly in control of our playoff and marital destinies. To demonstrate, here are the remaining Sounders games and their marital equivalents:

D.C. United – Take out the garbage
Chivas USA – Keep it in your pants
New England Revolution – Ask her how she's doing, listen, nod and repeat.
Columbus Crew – Remember key dates: birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Kansas City Wizards – Have fun together (take her to the last regular season Sounders home game)
FC Dallas – Bring home the bacon (get a job)

Okay, so Chivas is definitely a must win game for both of us. But the others… well, let’s just say you don’t have to remember every birthday to make the playoffs. Nope, no one, not even my wife, is expecting 6-0-0.

For example, if I can Keep It in My Pants (Chivas), Bring Home the Bacon (Dallas) and Have Fun with My Wife (Kansas City), I’ve got a pretty good chance of making the playoffs (80 percent according to the stats gurus at sportsclubstats.com). And really, if the Sounders can’t go 3-0-3 (9 points in their last six games), do they even deserve to stay married? Probably not.

In fact, if the Sounders can exceed the bare minimum and even remember to take the garbage just some of the time (draw at DC), then they’ve got a 96 percent chance of making the playoffs.

Now, as my wife would say, “Is that really too much to ask?”

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