Sunday, September 13, 2009

The baby-momma edition:

That’s right Wicks, yo momma’s got a house that's so dusty, the cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies.

My friend Kapena, his 6-month-old baby and I sat down to watch the Sounders’ revenge match against D.C. United yesterday.

Before the game Montero basically said he didn’t care that D.C. United goaltender Josh Wicks had stomped on him after he had scored a crucial goal in the Sounders cup win. Montero and the Sounders just wanted to win this game.

But he was lying and the baby knew it, and while the best revenge was the win, it was even sweeter because both Sounders points were “F- you” goals – not only defeating United but embarrassing Wicks.

Meanwhile, the baby took revenge the only way she knew how.

* * *

Montero began trash-talking from nearly the opening minute.

Your teeth are so big, your momma must have hooked up with Mr. Ed,” I imagined Montero telling Wicks as he lingered around the goal after the D.C. keeper had collected an overly ambitious pass.

“Yeah Wicks,” the baby seemed to say as she reached for a toy. “Yo momma’s so angry, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Remarkable child.

But Sounder mid-fielder Steve Zakuani got the first real revenge blow when he scored between Wicks’ legs only four minutes into the game. He added a bit of flare to his insult with his “chi-chi” dance celebration.

Kapena and I shouted and high fived and the baby gave a celebratory cry, “That’s right Wicks, yo momma’s got a house that's so dusty, the cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies.”

The first half ended calmly – the Sounders and baby seemed continent with a 1-0 lead though both occasionally looked dangerous.

In the second half, there was a lot more crying. Rodney Wallace equalized for United and Emilio created two terrifying chances on the left side.

The Sounders were also getting pushed around physically and the only retaliation seemed to come from the baby.

“Yo momma’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book,” she wailed at Wicks as he collected a Le Toux cross.

Kapena, however, bore the brunt of her frustration. He scurried to the kitchen to microwave frozen baby formula as she cried. The baby drank and drank, but then her cries returned – she was thirsty for goals and revenge. Not milk.

But then Montero stepped up, backing up all the trash talk by beating Wicks near-post in the 84th minute for the game-winning goal.

He celebrated by pretending to hit a homerun, admiring it disappear, deep into the D.C. night. The baby gloated at Wicks, “You know, yo momma should be locked away, cuz every time she moons people, they turn into werewolves.”

As the Sounders time wasted and ran out the game clock, the baby began to dance – not that creepy Ally McBeal baby dance. But a cute, mother-assisted (Claudia had come back just in time for Montero’s revenge) -- “my legs don’t work yet, but I’m happy that the Sounders won and mom is home” dance.

“What do I have to be upset about?” Claudia intoned sweetly in a baby voice – a voice very different from what I had been hearing all game long.

And the baby smiled.

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