Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Latin nerd edition

It was less unlucky and more tragedy.

Like the Greek King Sisyphus, cursed to repeatedly roll a huge boulder up a hill, the Sounders created chance after chance, only to watch the ball roll back down the other side of the mountain, never to reach the back of the net.

The Sounders blew an opportunity to take control of the playoff race Saturday when they drew 0-0 with Chivas. Seattle played well in all areas except the one that perhaps matters most – finishing, where they were denied time and again by the brilliant Zack Thornton.

While certainly not a must win, the Sounders will rue this loss. Whether it will cost them a higher seed or the playoffs altogether remains to be seen.

In honor of the Sounders’ tragic performance, I give you the blow-by-blow, complete with Classical allusions (thanks to Prost Amerika for writing excellent match reports and my high school Latin teacher Ms. MacDonald).

Latin nerds holla back:

6’ Zeus punished Prometheus for stealing fire from the Gods by tying him to a rock and sending an eagle every day to feed on the poor bastard’s magically regenerating liver. But what did Freddie Ljungberg do to provoke this endless series (okay only 3) of awful corners? Ljungberg, stop f-ing with the Gods!

15’ Like Clytemnestra, who had nightmares that she gave birth to a snake because she murdered her philandering, child-sacrificing husband Agamemnon, Sebastien Le Toux will be having nightmares of Zack Thornton tonight after the Chivas keeper made that point-blank reaction save.

35’ Ljungberg’s cross is an inch too far for Steve Zakuani to reach – just like 26.2 was a bit too far for the Greek messenger Pheidippides to run after the battle of Marathon. “Victory,” the Athenian yelled, before dying from exhaustion. Luckily, Zakuani looks fine and continues running (soccer players are amazingly fit).

50’ What do Sappho, Socrates and Zakuani have in common? All three have their way with whomever they like – Sappho with women, Socrates with men, Zakuani with Chivas defenders. But Steve’s header can’t penetrate goal this time – tough break playa’.

60’ Montero’s spectacular bicycle kick almost goes in – just like the Spartans almost held off the Persians at Thermopylae. In related news, US Weekly reports that Zack Snyder, director of 300, has signed Montero to play himself, shirtless, in an upcoming, unspeakably violent movie about the Columbian forward’s heroic miss.

67’ The Sounders score but the linesman rules it off due to offside. You may know that King Oedipus gouged out his own eyes when he discovered that he had killed his father and married his mother -- apparently the linesman did the same before the game.

75’ Ljungberg fires just wide of net as the Sounders turn up the pressure against Chivas who is a man down. Heracles performed 10 labors to make up for murdering his children, and now Chivas plays with 10 men to atone for Saragosa’s attack on Montero.

83’ Thornton saves from Montero then Zakuani. The Chivas keeper is like Horatius at the bridge who, despite being wounded by a spear in the buttock, saved Rome by holding off an entire army.

90’ Hector was a great Trojan warrior who stepped up and fought Achilles man v. man even though he was pretty sure he was going to die. Ljungberg has a great run and control – do you think the Swede knew his cheeky chip shot was never going to beat Thornton, not on this day.

1 comment:

  1. Man, all the Greek nerds are gonna be PISSED!

    ReplyDelete